A Modest Proposal on immigration

Much has been made lately about the issue of illegal immigrants in our country. One lawmaker recently went so far as to call the children of illegal immigrants "terror babies," and as I have never seen the footage of heavily-armed 6-month-olds completing an Al-Qaida obstacle training course, I can only presume that the children of recent arrivals in our country are more prone to waking up their parents and neighbors at 3 a.m. with hunger, colic or needing a diaper change.

But I'm not deaf to the concerns of my fellow Americans, and I just may have reached a solution that honors honest citizenship and prevents the horror of innocent Americans being drooled on by agents from the Axis of Evil disguised as helpless infants.

To address the issue of Who Belongs Here And Who Doesn't and bring this long-simmering debate to a logical conclusion on which we can all agree, we need to base our thinking on some important legal precedents widely recognized by both the right and the left in this debate (we're all about consensus here):

1). I was here first.
2). Possession is 9/10s of the law.
3). Finders, keepers; losers, weepers.

Now, anyone who has taken part in or watched even the most simplistic Thanksgiving school pageant knows the native Americans were, in fact, here first. We only mention this at Thanksgiving, and just long enough to feel vaguely mindful about the centuries of land stealing, genocide, broken promises, reservations and racism. (But not long enough to keep ourselves from gorging on turkey, potatoes, stuffing and green bean casserole -- you know, the one with the cream of mushroom soup and frizzled onions on top? -- and reclining on the sofa to watch the Lions lose again.) But mention it we do, because it's the truth.

And if we take this line of thinking to its logical conclusion, we simply must evict everyone who is not a truly native American. Can't have folks living off taxes paid by people who actually belong in this country, now, can we?

A quick look at the most recent available census data, as of July 1, 2009, there were 307,006,550 people living in the United States of America. (The current "population clock" on the census bureau website says 309,983,727 -- perhaps 2.9 million terror babies have infiltrated our cities in just over a year? -- but we'll stick to the 7/1/09 figures.)

Using the July 1, 2009 "race alone or in combination" figures to account for the most Americans possible, we come up with:

White: 248,919,247
Black: 41,804,073
Asian: 15,989,876
American Indian/Alaska Native: 4,960,643
Native Hawaiian/Pacific Islander: 1,137,473

So if we take this argument to its inevitable logical conclusion -- that only the people who have a legitimate right to be here should be here -- then ...

... hang on, math was never my strong suit ...

OK, got it. And, um, well, no one said doing the right thing was easy, but here goes.

306,713,196 of the 307,006,550 people in the United States -- 99.9 percent of the population, if my math is correct -- are not native Americans, Alaskans or Hawaiians.

That means 306,713,196 of you are illegal aliens. And you all need to pack your bags and get the hell out, right now.

Don't thank me all at once. Just glad I could help.